Talk:Griffin Meltzer

Comment: Janet Vu

Hi Griffin! Your page really stood out to me stylistically because your approach doesn't focus on each source as the headings and they're all in uppercase.

You spend the "Who am I" section talking about what you found, and it might be more compelling if you weave your observations and critique with your observation. Also, rather than stating about whether something was wrong or right, it might help you spice up your piece by analyzing more about how "real" some information is...i.e. how much it relates to your personality, interests, hobbies, etc. You could bring up more emotions or reactions like disgust, surprise, or anger at how easy it might be for someone to steal your info or stalk you. You also said that Domino's is lackluster, but maybe elaborate why? Which pizza place do you like better and for what reason? Is it more traditional or authentic like your group of friends, or the cheesier like the jokes you might might? It could also serve you well to dig deeper into why you have a more private online profile in relation to your true self, like maybe it's a metaphor for how much more value to place in have a few close friends rather than a multitude of superficial buds.

Some final suggestions I have for you are possibly introducing the readings earlier, rather than tie it all together at the end (which you did nicely!). It could also be a good idea to tie the reading specifically to your information rather than having a person's information online as whole.

Comment: Roy Okerstrom

Hey Griffin! Super solid article. I particularly liked your formatting. The headings were all well done and provided a good description as to what the content would be about without explicitly stating it. The table of contents was also a nice touch. I thought your claim was strong and I liked your use of rhetorical questions throughout your paper. They are a good way to get the reader to engage with your writing (I certainly did). I also think you connections to the readings were well done and clear.

As far as suggestions for improvement go, I think one think you could add is a bit more insight into your feelings about the information. Your article is pretty objective, which most of the times is a good thing, but I think in this particular assignment having a little bit of your personal thoughts into your essay could definitely benefit it. Additionally, I think although your connections were really clear and well thought out, it would have been nice to have seen them scattered throughout the article in different sections as opposed to only in the "Why is this a problem" section.

Really good job!