Talk:German Ostaszynski Lipiec

Comment #1:

Jonathan Timma: I thought your autobiography was great! I like how you integrated your experiences in Costa Rica and how that affects you as a person today and what you do/don't do on Facebook. There were one or two grammatical errors, but other than that I can't find fault with your autobiography. Great job!!

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Comment #2:

RACHEL JOYCE:

I think that your autobiography was very, very well-written. You managed to include your feelings even though you characterize yourself as a reserved person. Your autobiography captured my attention more-so than any of the others, possibly because your experiences are very foreign to me, but also because your autobiography told a story. On the other hand, I think you could have incorporated the concepts of online presentation (authenticity, embodiment, and temporality) into your autobiography. There are many places in the autobiography where you could have mentioned the connection to these key concepts.

I think that the opening sections lead into the “Double Identity in the Social Media” section very well. I am able to understand why and how you screen your Facebook profile. I would have liked to know why you created a Facebook profile in high school, even though your double identity forced you to hide so much information about yourself. You have told me which aspects of Facebook you do not use, I would have also liked to know which aspects of Facebook you use.

Throughout the essay I wondered how your Facebook profile has changed since you’ve moved to the United States. I wondered why you hadn’t updated the religious views in the ‘Basic Info’ section. I thought that this suspense grabbed the attention of the reader and added to the flow of the autobiography. At the end of the autobiography you artfully addressed this question and related the lack of content to your reserved nature and your childhood experiences. However, you may want to examine your Facebook profile's temporality in the discussion about its development, and discuss how temporality affects your online identity.

Also, you could have examined whether your Facebook profile page accurately describes you, even with many of the private aspects omitted. By exploring this question more, you could have analyzed the authenticity of your Facebook profile. Overall, I think that you have a gift for writing: I enjoyed reading your piece. I thought the flow of your autobiography made it very easy to read, and the story you told was thoughtful and interesting. You undoubtedly have a story worth telling.

Grammer

Paragraph one, sentence four

Try an alternate opening to the sentence; the beginning of this sentence seems verbose.

Suggestion: Costa Rica, a third world country, prepared German…

Paragraph one, sentence six

Change ‘he would found’ to ‘he would find’

Paragraph one, sentence nine

I do not think that ‘all of this has been recorded on Facebook’. You said that you have recorded very little on Facebook. Therefore, I think you should re-word that sentence.

Paragraph one, sentence ten

The autobiography does not talk: omit that verb. Try ‘This autobiography will explain the main…’

Paragraph three, sentence two

‘On’ is not the correct preposition to express the relationship between you and high school.

Also, high school does not need to be capitalized

Suggestion: ‘when he was still in high school’ or ‘when he still attended high school’

I hope this peer review helps, -Rachel Joyce