Talk:Bhumika Jain

Comment 1 - Benjamin Zeffer

Great work, Bhumika! I especially liked your initial quote "Omg did you see that picture on Facebook?" as it clearly invites the reader through common experience.

I appreciated that your page was structured in a timeline fashion. You began with recalling when Facebook was first introduced to you and then to when you first created a Facebook. This gives the reader a good idea of your mindset surrounding Facebook as well as the very first interactions which you had with it. Additionally, I liked how you gave a description of the “old you,” but I would’ve liked more depth to your description going into explicit detail about the things one would learn if they knew the “old” Bhumika when you first started using Facebook. Something that would pair very nicely with this is how your identity on Facebook has evolved over time and what specifically caused a change. Lastly, your final paragraph does a good job tying in some deeper concepts from outside sources, but I believe that there was more room for you to explain more after bringing up many interesting points!

First part of your page is a little bare, a “cover photo” could be used to bring a little more attention to your page. And while the intro has a good effect on readers who’ve heard similar lines, this effect is lost on readers who aren’t used to this kind of talk. Moving forward, the structuring of your page could be cleaned up specifically with your pictures. My suggestion would be to integrate your pictures more into the text and eliminate the headings for each individual photo so that your photos aren’t breaking the flow of your writing. One could accomplish this by setting your pictures to appear in a thumbnail or frame in which the accompanying commentary could fit into. Lastly, one thing I noticed was that the writing that accompanies your first and second pictures seemed to be swapped. To elaborate, the writing provided for your second photo seems to pertain to the first photo, and vice versa.

Overall, I thought that this was a good start and that your page has a lot of potential! When revising my tips would be to focus on deeper conversation surrounding your online persona and the overall structure of the page.

Comment 2 - Saul Bravo

Great work! I really enjoyed reading your article and will type out my feed back tonight.

Corina

Great start, Bhumika!

For revision, Benjamin's comments above are spot on. Please consider them fully.

Best,

Corina