Talk:Andrew Bunt

Benjamin Carney's Comments

Hi Andrew! Nice work on your article. I found the connections you made with Floridi's work to be really well tied together. I specifically thought the connection you made between Floridi's definition of a reductionist perspective and your own to be really solid and well-supported. If I were to make a few suggestions, the first would be to break your article into smaller segments. Doing this would make the task of reading each paragraph seem much less daunting and ultimately would make your entire piece much more easily digestible. You could potentially split things up into an introduction, your digital identity, and final reflections as they relate back to our readings.

Another structural/formatting revision I would recommend looking into is rereading your post to identify spelling and grammatical mistakes. There were a few moments throughout my reading where I had to retrace my steps and think about what you meant to say. Ultimately this is something you would have inevitably fixed in your revision, but I figured I would mention here just in case.

My final suggestion would be to formulate a more concrete thesis and introduce it earlier in your article. While I found your connection with the readings to be strong, I walked away from reading your article not quite sure what the big theme was. It almost might be worth considering being more selective about which readings you choose to include and explore those in greater depth in order to add more cohesiveness to your article.

Best of luck in your revision!

Brennan Burke's Comments

Very well done Andrew. First off, I thought you did a great job of explaining the process of finding your data identity. You did a really good job of showing the reader what you were thinking as you discovered these things about your online profile. I also thought your connections to Floridi's ideas were very well done and you supported your personal feelings well with some solid points that Floridi made. One thing that I would try to make a little bit more clear would be your thesis(or main idea) of the whole article. You do a great job of explaining how you felt in the body of your paragraphs so I would suggest that you reread your body and try to come up with an overarching statement that you could use as your thesis statement.

As far as structural advice, as Benjamin mentions above, I would try to separate your text more into different sections. I suggest adding headers for certain chunks of text that relate to each other such as "Google" or "Data Brokers." One specific paragraph that seems like a giant wall of text is the one you have on data brokers. I would definitely try and break that section into multiple smaller segments as it will make it much easier for the reader to read. Finally, I would suggest incorporating your pictures into the article more. In your current article the pictures are a bit small and off to the side making it harder for the reader to notice them.