Difference between revisions of "Talk:Rachel Sartori"

Latest revision as of 08:24, 5 March 2018

Macro

• Nice job, The structure of this piece flows nicely.
• You did an awesome job conveying the idea of selective content sharing and you explain this very well throughout the piece. I love how you explain that Snapchat is mostly private and you allows you to convey your online presence in a simply non-language based manner and how you use Twitter to explore your comedic side.
• You might want to consider trying to tie in some of the readings on a more thorough basis. You did a nice job using them in the ending but I almost feel that it would be more beneficial to state that point about "Individuals are multi-faceted and may conduct themselves differently depending on the context of the situation" at the introduction.
• You could use a more concise concluding section that wraps up your ideas and ties the themes together.

Micro

• I would change the phase "whereas if I posted in this on a more words focused platform" to something more along the lines of "whereas if I posted in this on text-based or language focused platform." It flows a bit better.
• In my opinion, your use of dashes like the sentence "my stance thoroughly or go into a long rant about the political climate in the US - formats more suited for Facebook." would flow much better if you removed the dashes and wrote it like "my stance thoroughly or go into a long rant about the political climate in the US, which are formats that are more suited for Facebook"
• For your reference section, you might want to consider using "< ref >" tags so that you can easily see where the piece is referenced.

Thoughts

Overall, nicely done! Your analysis of your identity is well done and nice to read!

-Shane Levine

Comment 2

Hi Rachel,

Thank you so much for sharing your narrative with us! I strongly believe these are beneficial in helping us to learn more about ourselves. One thing I admired about your piece is viewing from the lens of individual experiences rather than through social media platform. This is an effective way of conveying how the same situation can be altered depending on the mode for viewing. A second thing I enjoyed is the visuals. Photos were helpful for me to imagine the real-time activity when you posted these on different platforms and they made your text more understandable. Lastly, I enjoyed the space for analysis as well. Your piece, therefore, was not only observations but also included insight and reflection based on what you wrote. For revision, I'd recommend you explore organization and expansion. First, do a reverse outline. That will help you to make sure your paragraphs stay on topic and are written as you intended and that the flow of the piece is how you think is the most effective. Second, I'd recommend you add more subheadings in your pieces. In blogging, we tend to read in smaller bytes than essays. For example, for each scenario (Italy) have subheadings for Facebook and Snapchat so we can see how the two platforms would for the same situation. Lastly, expand areas of insight. In your last paragraph, you include citations and references to academia. However, because they are in the conclusion and the conclusion section is short, it does not read as natural. That is, the citation looks out of place. Expanding these areas and sections such as "Twitter" is important because their length should correlate to the importance of the heading. To explain, since "Twitter" is its own important category, it should have the length of an important piece. Thank you again for a great piece, I hope this was helpful!

All the best, Ibrahim Rasheed

Corina

Great work, Rachel!

It is a very engaging piece, with much potential.

For revision, your colleagues’ comments above are spot on. Please consider them fully.

Best,

Corina