Talk:Kareem Davanzo

Margaret Trudeau's Comments:

Kareem, You wrote a very cohesive piece. I liked your quest to find the "real" Kareem Davanzo. That was a very clever way to frame this assignment. I have a few pieces of constructive criticism for you, however. I thought your initial definition of yourself was great. That helped he reader know who you are before reading who the internet thinks you are. I would add a little more here, just to better convey who you are to the reader. The "Google Search" paragraph was a little wordy. Perhaps re-reading this paragraph out loud to yourself would help make the wordy sentences more obvious. Also in this paragraph, I would include a brief description of MyLife.com, perhaps detailing its purpose, mission, etc. This would help the uninformed reader know more about why your personal information is appearing on their website. In the "Data Brokers" paragraph, or perhaps in your conclusion paragraph, it would really help your piece to include more analysis of your online identity as compared to your offline identity, especially keeping in mind your "rating" that you discussed. I think that is a really compelling feature of your research and expanding on that a bit more might help. And finally, in your last paragraph, I would introduce Floridi and the text from which you are citing before just referencing his last name without any context.

I hope this is helpful!

Thomas Bouranis' Comments

This was a very thoroughly researched article that clearly outlines your search for your online identity. The individuals sections are clear, and the theme of authenticity is maintained throughout. Your description of your emotions regarding the information you discover make your mental state during the process clear, but the article would benefit from explaining more about why the information made you feel that way. A good example of this occurs at the end of your "Data Brokers" section, where you analyze the reasons behind your anxiety over criminal records and the misuse of information. But elsewhere in the piece, you just say you felt "disturbed" and leave much of the reasoning for the reader to infer.

Your section, "Floridi's Say" is confusingly non-committal. Consider actually trying to answer the rhetorical questions you bring up at the end. I would also like to better understand why you consider the online-self you found to be just as authentic as the "real Kareen" and the implications of that for the interaction between your physical and digital lives.

The word cloud picture is very generic and the article would be improved by choosing a picture more specific to your writing. Finally, I agree with Margaret that the flow in the large middle sections feels clunky and awkward. Consider breaking up your writing into smaller paragraphs, each tackling one idea. Overall a good first draft.