Difference between revisions of "Talk:Joey Carron"
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| + | Hi Joey, I thought you have a fairly fleshed out perspective on your observations of Facebook and construction of your Facebook identity. I think you've got a lot that works, but also places where you might be able to make some improvements. Here are my thoughts, which are written following a more or less chronological order: | ||
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| + | A sentence like, "Even if a Facebook identity is entirely constructed of falsehoods, it is revealing of the person who created or runs the account," could benefit from adding some subjectivity. Like, "Because even if I totally construct my Facebook profile out of lies, people will still make assumptions about my personality, identity, and think they know who I am." | ||
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| + | "My first profile picture was an awkward, oddly cropped, grainy photo of me from freshman year, and it seems fitting for representing myself at the time," is a great opportunity to share a photo. | ||
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| + | "Employers, friends, advertisers, family are likely viewers of this information, so it’s important to understand your view of online identity versus what others actually see." A sentence like this coming near the beginning of a paragraph feels like you're trying to prove too much, too fast. Use the paragraph to build up this idea, and then summarize the paragraph with a sentence like this, (or lead with it, making damn sure to unpack it fully before moving to the next idea.) | ||
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| + | I would tighten the story of your adoption of Facebook, including only details that help us understand where you're coming from for when you start talking about how you've come to your present day conclusions. | ||
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| + | My favorite paragraph was the one that began, "Depending on the levels of privacy settings,..." is my favorite of your paragraph. It explores in-depth nuances regarding the reality what it's like for one to be apart of a network like Facebook, where context collapse exists. I wish you'd do two things: actually explain what http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/archives/2013/12/08/coining-context-collapse.html is, (it does nothing to be seemingly reinventing the wheel), and speak with a more personal voice. You use "us," "we," "the users of," and "I" from this paragraph on, which rubs me like you're trying to academically describe a phenomenon rather than explain to your reader Joey's Avatar. | ||
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| + | If I were you, I might make a short list of the main point of each paragraph. Next, introduce any necessary background information relating to the affordances/ design of Facebook. Then relate it to how you, Joey, go about behaving on Facebook. And don't forget to answer the "why?" (whether that means relating it to your social anxiety, concern for privacy, desire to be satirical, or whatever else. | ||
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| + | Other little things: be mindful of run-on sentences and/or sentences that are too fully loaded, and also steer wide of soft adjectives like 'quite,' 'a little,' a lot,' ect... | ||
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| + | Overall, great job and keep it up! | ||
Revision as of 18:29, 29 March 2016
Comment #1: Madison Garver is claiming this spot!
Comment #2:
Hi Joey, I thought you have a fairly fleshed out perspective on your observations of Facebook and construction of your Facebook identity. I think you've got a lot that works, but also places where you might be able to make some improvements. Here are my thoughts, which are written following a more or less chronological order:
A sentence like, "Even if a Facebook identity is entirely constructed of falsehoods, it is revealing of the person who created or runs the account," could benefit from adding some subjectivity. Like, "Because even if I totally construct my Facebook profile out of lies, people will still make assumptions about my personality, identity, and think they know who I am."
"My first profile picture was an awkward, oddly cropped, grainy photo of me from freshman year, and it seems fitting for representing myself at the time," is a great opportunity to share a photo.
"Employers, friends, advertisers, family are likely viewers of this information, so it’s important to understand your view of online identity versus what others actually see." A sentence like this coming near the beginning of a paragraph feels like you're trying to prove too much, too fast. Use the paragraph to build up this idea, and then summarize the paragraph with a sentence like this, (or lead with it, making damn sure to unpack it fully before moving to the next idea.)
I would tighten the story of your adoption of Facebook, including only details that help us understand where you're coming from for when you start talking about how you've come to your present day conclusions.
My favorite paragraph was the one that began, "Depending on the levels of privacy settings,..." is my favorite of your paragraph. It explores in-depth nuances regarding the reality what it's like for one to be apart of a network like Facebook, where context collapse exists. I wish you'd do two things: actually explain what http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/archives/2013/12/08/coining-context-collapse.html is, (it does nothing to be seemingly reinventing the wheel), and speak with a more personal voice. You use "us," "we," "the users of," and "I" from this paragraph on, which rubs me like you're trying to academically describe a phenomenon rather than explain to your reader Joey's Avatar.
If I were you, I might make a short list of the main point of each paragraph. Next, introduce any necessary background information relating to the affordances/ design of Facebook. Then relate it to how you, Joey, go about behaving on Facebook. And don't forget to answer the "why?" (whether that means relating it to your social anxiety, concern for privacy, desire to be satirical, or whatever else.
Other little things: be mindful of run-on sentences and/or sentences that are too fully loaded, and also steer wide of soft adjectives like 'quite,' 'a little,' a lot,' ect...
Overall, great job and keep it up!
