Talk:David Kim

David, I chose to comment on your entry because I feel that it is unique, with regard to your choice of name, and engaging. I like it. Here are some suggestions that I think would make this even better.

Macro Level:

1. I like that the discussion of the ‘David Keem’ persona is conducted in the third person. However, I think that the article overall might benefit from more uniformity of the point of view. I think that by doing so, the article would read more like a typical Wikipedia article and require less energy from the reader in switching back and forth with perspective.

1. The first section, “Why Keem, Not Keem, ” feels a bit underdeveloped. I would like to read a little more about selecting Keem as an act of seeking individuality or differentiating yourself from the many Kims out there. It feels like a topic that is important but ‘glossed over’.

1. Expanding the section mentioned in 2.) may also be an opportunity to better relate the information to the quote from Watson and Smith. As it stands right now, the quote is relevant— but feels ‘tacked on’ like an afterthought.

Micro Level:

1. The sentence, “Is David Keem similar enough to me where people really know who I am?” is phrased a bit clunkily. When I hit that sentence, it took me out of the rhythm and overall flow of the piece. I think that you might be able to say the same thing in a simpler manner while achieving the same goal. Perhaps, “Is David Keem really David Kim?” or “To what extent does David Keem represent the real David Kim?”

1. Under the “Why Keem, Not Kim” heading, there is a broken </ref> tag. Small fix.

1. This passage, “To my sister, I am will interact with her as her brother. To my teacher, I will interact with them as their student. To my Instagram followers, I’ll interact with them as David Keem.” is an opportunity to construct a rhythmic parallel set of statements that will be attractive to readers. Consider reworking this so that these three statements are all worded the same— E.g. “With my sister, I interact as her brother, David Kim. With my teacher, I interact as their student, David Kim. With my Instagram followers, I interact as their online friend, David Keem.”

- John Voorhess

Comment #2

Hi David,

Thank you so much for your narrative! I found it both insightful, humorous, and descriptive of your habits. I particularly enjoyed the second-person to describe yourself. I believe it helped you to develop an objective analysis of about yourself while still being connected enough that it gives a personal voice. Your active voice and simple sentence structure was helpful for the reader to move through you piece easily. One theme which I've seen recur between different individuals in our generation is that we grow a distaste of social media as we grow older. That is, we recognize the professional, social, and personal consequences of sharing too much of our personal life online. I believe you show that in instances such as when you reference the need for "greater control" over your profiles. I also appreciated the citations to academia, which give your analysis more strength. For future rewrites, I would suggest reverse outlining. I find this to be the most helpful for my rewrites, because it helps me to confirm that each paragraph I wrote follows the topic I wanted it to and that the flow is in the order I think is best. Furthermore, try to relate to the citations more so that they are not "stand alone" or inserted as a final thought. Thank you again, this was an AMAZING piece!

Best, ---Ibrahim Rasheed

Corina

Great job, David!

You have a very unique style that makes your work both informative and fun to read.

For revision, your colleagues’ comments above are spot on. Please consider them fully.

Best,

Corina