Revision as of 17:34, 20 February 2018

David, I chose to comment on your entry because I feel that it is unique, with regard to your choice of name, and engaging. I like it. Here are some suggestions that I think would make this even better.

Macro Level:

1. I like that the discussion of the ‘David Keem’ persona is conducted in the third person. However, I think that the article overall might benefit from more uniformity of the point of view. I think that by doing so, the article would read more like a typical Wikipedia article and require less energy from the reader in switching back and forth with perspective.

1. The first section, “Why Keem, Not Keem, ” feels a bit underdeveloped. I would like to read a little more about selecting Keem as an act of seeking individuality or differentiating yourself from the many Kims out there. It feels like a topic that is important but ‘glossed over’.

1. Expanding the section mentioned in 2.) may also be an opportunity to better relate the information to the quote from Watson and Smith. As it stands right now, the quote is relevant— but feels ‘tacked on’ like an afterthought.

Micro Level:

1. The sentence, “Is David Keem similar enough to me where people really know who I am?” is phrased a bit clunkily. When I hit that sentence, it took me out of the rhythm and overall flow of the piece. I think that you might be able to say the same thing in a simpler manner while achieving the same goal. Perhaps, “Is David Keem really David Kim?” or “To what extent does David Keem represent the real David Kim?”

1. Under the “Why Keem, Not Kim” heading, there is a broken </ref> tag. Small fix.

1. This passage, “To my sister, I am will interact with her as her brother. To my teacher, I will interact with them as their student. To my Instagram followers, I’ll interact with them as David Keem.” is an opportunity to construct a rhythmic parallel set of statements that will be attractive to readers. Consider reworking this so that these three statements are all worded the same— E.g. “With my sister, I interact as her brother, David Kim. With my teacher, I interact as their student, David Kim. With my Instagram followers, I interact as their online friend, David Keem.”

- John Voorhess