Talk:Benjamin Carney

Adam Cusick's Comments

Hey Benjamin,

I think you’ve done a great job of integrating Floridi’s work into your article, as well as your links to outside sources. The sources give your statement a bit of extra credibility and help back your thesis. Moreover, I like that you do this all early, so it is in the reader’s mind from the beginning. Your organization is clear and easy to follow, as well. Stylistically, I like your word choice. You don’t seem afraid to break out the thesaurus, which keeps your writing from being boring.

In regards to what should be one of your major themes, whether your data identity reflects the “real you,” I think it could be clearer. You seem to wrestle with it in the last paragraph, which is good, but I think it would be more effective if it were explored throughout the profile. If you do that, it might help you arrive at a firmer conclusion, which you can then tie back into the ethical component.

On a small side note, I think your use of pictures is very effective, and really helps keep the piece from getting too dense. This is a great start, and I think if you keep weaving your thesis throughout your profile, it will be even stronger.

Hamza Baccouche's Comments

Hey Ben, good stuff here.

A couple areas you could improve on: I felt that while you made your argument clear in the end of your introduction that what is exposed of us online is out of control, there wasn't much to back it up. The body of your assignment is largely a reflection that showed in fact that you were somewhat in control (at least more than one would expect) of what about you was put online, and even then I didn't see too much that necessarily connected it to your thesis/argument. I think you should thus amend your argument to be the opposite and it will be really easy to draw those connections. On the note of connecting it, I also think it would help give a more argumentative tone if you used at least one more source to back your claims.

Some things I really liked: you obviously know what you're talking about and going beyond a widely known scandal like cambridge analytica to include something like Equifax shows it, along with your detailing of what the consequences were of the former. I really liked your tone of voice throughout, as it was easy to follow and it felt like you were talking directly to me as the reader, so great work on that. Overall, good stuff!

Hamza