Difference between revisions of "Talk:Amen Almoamen"
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| − | + | ====Juan Sanchez (jusa) Comments==== | |
| + | I enjoyed your intro and liked the casual tone you used, I felt very invited to continue reading your essay. It served very well for giving a glimpse of what were you going to talk about in the rest of your work. | ||
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| + | I would add another image that can serve as another talking point in the article since it was required to have two images in the essay. I would, for example, show a photo of the list of sex offenders that appeared on the instant checkmate when you searched yourself. That is certainly something that would interest anyone reading about this to see for themselves. | ||
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| + | Your Google Search section was very good but in the Data Broker Paragraph I would discard the use of the phrase “scrape up” on the first sentence since it is repeated not too long after and would substitute it with “find”. In the sentence that said “Boy, was I disappointed” I would eliminate that sentence and combine it with the sentence that follows as “I was disappointed when I noticed that …”. It may not cause the same effect you are looking for, which I think you were attempting to sound more colloquial and approachable, but I just thought that it’ll look better to have a sentence that conveyed more of a purpose to inform, but it’s up to you if you would think that is what you would want. I really like that you were very descriptive in the rest of the paragraph and showed a lot of attention and observation of what you found in the data broker. | ||
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| + | In your analysis section, I noticed that you were going for a more brief and concise tone but for this work, I would try to sound a bit wordier and academic. Try that each sentence that you write conveys an idea or purpose of what you are trying to communicate. It may sound a bit troubling at first but in the end, it will make things sound more structured and concise | ||
Revision as of 02:10, 19 February 2020
Juan Sanchez (jusa) Comments
I enjoyed your intro and liked the casual tone you used, I felt very invited to continue reading your essay. It served very well for giving a glimpse of what were you going to talk about in the rest of your work.
I would add another image that can serve as another talking point in the article since it was required to have two images in the essay. I would, for example, show a photo of the list of sex offenders that appeared on the instant checkmate when you searched yourself. That is certainly something that would interest anyone reading about this to see for themselves.
Your Google Search section was very good but in the Data Broker Paragraph I would discard the use of the phrase “scrape up” on the first sentence since it is repeated not too long after and would substitute it with “find”. In the sentence that said “Boy, was I disappointed” I would eliminate that sentence and combine it with the sentence that follows as “I was disappointed when I noticed that …”. It may not cause the same effect you are looking for, which I think you were attempting to sound more colloquial and approachable, but I just thought that it’ll look better to have a sentence that conveyed more of a purpose to inform, but it’s up to you if you would think that is what you would want. I really like that you were very descriptive in the rest of the paragraph and showed a lot of attention and observation of what you found in the data broker.
In your analysis section, I noticed that you were going for a more brief and concise tone but for this work, I would try to sound a bit wordier and academic. Try that each sentence that you write conveys an idea or purpose of what you are trying to communicate. It may sound a bit troubling at first but in the end, it will make things sound more structured and concise
