Talk:Tiffany Luong
Comment #1: (Evan Jon Gennrich)
Hi Tiff, good job with this! You wrote a lot of compelling things that helped me (the reader) understand where your Facebook profile management strategy is coming from. I also like the design of the content, which you broke up nicely using the wiki tools. Here are some of my thoughts on how you could go about making some changes:
The first paragraph is a good intro setting up your perspective, though I'm not so sure about starting off the wiki with two rhetorical questions. I think you can add a certain personal reflection though, like, "Scrolling through the cave of my own Facebook profile I can't help but wondering, What kind of person do I come across as? Is it the real me?
The way you subsection different elements of a Facebook profile is helpful to compartmentalize these different elements. I would make sure that every sentence connects together with the purpose of the paragraph. It would also be nice if you dug deep beyond describing how you use facebook, to whyyyyyyyy' you use it that way. In other words, how does the way you use Facebook relate to your opinions regarding some of the topics introduced in Paul Conway's lectures?
(This sentence, "They can also infer I like to have fun due to going out pictures but also study a lot since I don’t waste them on Facebook," is difficult for me to understand. :-) )
The paragraph that begins, "I know a lot of people like to show off and post pictures...," is my faveorite paragraph. The way you talk about not caring about the way you physically appear in pictures others post of you is emotional and compelling. I might only recommend that you tighten sentences at some instances where your voice comes across as ranting, repetitive, cross, or scornful. (i.e. I don't care. I just don't care. Because I could care less. ect...)
Your conclusion does a good job of wrapping up how you feel. But I'd be particularly interested in you elaborating on the sentence, "When the competitive aspect of wanting to be the hottest, going on the coolest adventures, making the most money, is what drives a person to constantly update their Facebook profile, that creates a huge problem on recognizing what is the sole purpose of life. " What, in your opinion, is the sole purpose of life? How do you think others' unhealthy use of social media inhibits them from realizing the sole purpose? And how have you been able to make progress towards your purpose by limiting the amount of time you spend on social media?
All in all, I think this is a promising first draft, and with some chopping, shaping, and cultivating, you'll be able to put forward really good work by Friday's due date! Good luck!
Hakuna Matata,
Evan Jon :D
Comment #2:
