Difference between revisions of "Talk:Ronald Liu"
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Overall, it was a good read, and I’m confident that you can make necessary editions to improve the article. I loved your ideas, but you can improve the structure by organizing details. I hope my suggestions are helpful. | Overall, it was a good read, and I’m confident that you can make necessary editions to improve the article. I loved your ideas, but you can improve the structure by organizing details. I hope my suggestions are helpful. | ||
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Revision as of 04:09, 15 November 2011
It is evident that you have done a good amount of research for this assignment. You have provided a lot of details about the process that you went through while creating both of the avatars. I liked the idea of placing a mirror in front of yourself while creating your avatar. However, the overall flow can be improved. I felt that you had a lot of good ideas, but they were scattered here and there.
In the “Fantasy Avatar” section you made a couple of statements, but you did not mention the reason behind making such choices. As a reader, I was expecting you to share your thought process behind choosing a colorful avatar to depict your online identity or the reason behind choosing blue as a vibrant color for your skin. You may want to revise this by saying that a colorful skin can show a lot of traits, maybe attractiveness or cheerfulness so that reader knows the reasons behind your choices.
On a different note, I loved your idea of choosing a jellyfish for your avatar. You chose a character that is close to your heart and is a reminder of your childhood. However, I could not completely grasp the idea of how your avatar reflected the image of a jellyfish. You could try to explicitly mention how each physical feature represents a specific trait of a jellyfish. You could use some of the following questions to maybe try to think about how each feature has a meaningful representation. How does it look like a jellyfish? (maybe the color plays a part) Why is it a female? Why does it have short hair versus long hair? Also, you mention that you’ve used colorful pants for the avatar. It may be a good idea to include a picture of the full body so that the reader can see what you are talking about. You could also use it to extend your argument about other choices related to the lower body.
There were some grammatical and mechanical issues. For instance, there were a few run on sentences and some words were used repeatedly (e.g. daily). Plus, the citation style needs to be changed. Citations should not be placed within the text.
Overall, it was a good read, and I’m confident that you can make necessary editions to improve the article. I loved your ideas, but you can improve the structure by organizing details. I hope my suggestions are helpful.
- C Douglas
