Talk:Laurita Mansour

Hi Laurita!

I really like your introduction paragraph because it is short and to the point. I can hear your voice in it as well and I get a good gist of how you feel about Facebook. I think people would want to hear more about why you became more of a watcher than a contributor. You mention that sentence but you do not elaborate on how or why.

I also think you should add a conclusion section. Overall you are giving great information but one paragraph at the end to tie it all together would be beneficial to the reader. Also try to talk a little bit more about why you chose to change you presence in each way. You mention that you stopped caring about posting pictures of you with your friends but it would be better if you added more about what made you make this change.

You could also add a lot more information in each section because I feel like there is a lot of information that you mention but do not elaborate on. In the final draft, make sure to go into more detail about each topic because you focus a lot more on the “what” than the “how” or the “why." Overall you did a great job and your content if very interesting! Awesome job!

-Bhumika Jain

Your opening passage sets a great tone for the rest of the article as it creates a timeline for the readers to follow. Moreover, I think you make a great transition into how your online identity shifted during your sophmore year as you describe how you began posting things that interest you instead of just pictures with friends. The narration of each section makes its very easy for the reader to follow your journey throughout college so far. To improve your article, I would suggest including more context when referencing Smith and Watson readings in your "My Public Image" section. In addition, I would include some sort of conclusion section, maybe a few words to describe how your balance content between both Facebook and Snapchat so that the reader can be left with a final thought. Overall, great work! -- Samara Gould

Corina

Great start, Laurita.

The essay has a lot of potential and its outline is solid.

For revision, your colleagues’ comments above are spot on. Please consider them fully.

Best,

Corina